Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
