I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
