turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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