haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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