Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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