just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
