At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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