Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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