The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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