there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
