I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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