I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Found the puke drawer
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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