dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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