She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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