Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
