Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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