sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
