At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
