Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
