I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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