So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
