im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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