he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I party with great urgency now.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
