got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
