I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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