Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
