i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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