Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
