There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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