make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
