I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
