bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
