Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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