I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
