i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
