All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
