I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am one with the molecules
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
