Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
