i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
