I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
