I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
