Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
