i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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