Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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