I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
