You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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