I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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