Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
