Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
