oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
