My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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