don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
