I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
