my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
